4 Nov 2015

The 13 Best Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

For a motoring journalist, Jeremy Clarkson really does beautiful things with the English language. When he’s not creating the country’s most successful motoring show, or rehearsing for an epic live show at The O2, he says some truly brilliant things.


Well, let’s take a look at some of his best quotes and see…


On the Bentley Continental GT's suspension adjustability:

‘It really is about as useful, as having a snooze button on a smoke alarm.’


On car crashes:

‘Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… That’s what gets you.’


Assessing Hammond's infamous crash:

‘Clarkson: You can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?

Hammond: I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph.

Clarkson: What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc., but if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!’


On the Nissan Almera:

‘Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the Ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.’


On the Aston Martin DB9

‘The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them.’


On affordability:

‘Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!’


On the BMW X5 M:

‘There's a gallon of fuel gone there, and another there...and yet another there. As a matter of fact, the only way this car could be less annoying to eco-mentalists is if its engine ran on sliced dolphin.’


On the Koenigsegg CCX:

‘Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what…BEING STABBED?’


On the Toyota Camry:

‘Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.’


On old Lamborghinis:

‘The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.’


On front wheel drive:

‘Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering while handling more than 170 horsepower is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling... penguins ... while making love ... to a beautiful woman while on fire, on stage ... in front of the Queen. It's all going to go wrong.’


On sustainability:

‘During the break we got complaints that we don’t show enough green cars so here’s one… [pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago] …in bright green’


On American politics / the Dodge Viper:

‘Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car…in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.’



We know exactly what you mean, Mr. Nhekairo – which is why we’re looking forward to seeing what terrible one-liners he comes out with at Clarkson, Hammond and May Live in November. Something tells us there’ll be a few…